In the light of recent security concerns regarding the arrival of large numbers of Syrians, and the revelation that most of the 25,000 who recently arrived in Canada were not actually from refugee camps as claimed by the Prime minister’s office, but consisted mainly of Syrians already living in Turkey with jobs & apartments etc.,  Minister for Citizenship & Immigration, John McCallum announced this week that Canada was working on a dramatic overhaul in its current immigration program, which would seek to draw immigrants from cultures with good international reputations whilst restricting the entry of others.

The new system, he claimed, would also make the selection process much more democratic, giving the public a direct say on who comes into the country.

Under the controversial hip new Liberal plans, each province will have to announce their immigration quota for the following year, that quota is then put to a series of live public votes on CBC at primetime on Saturday evenings at 8pm (9pm in Newfoundland). Viewers will be given the opportunity to split their vote between 5 recipient nations or groups within those nations, in what is being described by some as Reality Immigration.

“It will be like a cultural popularity contest.” McCallum said. “Everyone accepts that Immigration is required to fill the gaps left by an aging population. Western first world secular societies do not produce enough children to service and sustain their increasingly narcissistic godless societies. Immigration is a must for Canada; it’s the specifics of selection that we wish improve and involve the public in. We believe that if the public can get involved then it will make the process more democratic, and make the new Liberal government look even more cool & trendy.”

Leader of the opposition, Rona Ambrose has already slammed the proposed changes as an immature popularity contest – a “Pop idol immigration policy.”

Needless to say, religion and cultural are set to play a huge part, and Mr McCallum admitted that the new policy approach may possess the added bonus of tackling some of the potentially problematic cultural characteristics which tend to come with new arrivals to Canada.

“Let’s say that you are living in the tribal lands of north west Pakistan and you are thinking about beheading a teacher who has been teaching girls to read and write. Well, you might think twice about it if you thought that it might harm your children’s chances of making a new life in Mississauga… Or let’s say your wife left you and you want to punish her by throwing acid in her face… again, you might deicide not to do it if you know that it might affect your application for Canadian permanent residence at some later date. Not only that, but the people of Canada will have a democratic say in who comes into the country, plus it will improve CBC’s Saturday evening programming, finally providing viewers with something that they actually want to watch. It really is a win, win, win situation for everyone.”

As McCallum suggested, the big losers in this new policy shift are predicted to be traditional Islamic cultures and anywhere else there’s a propensity is to be a bit of a bad cunt when no one is is looking. We put this to him that making immigration a popularity contest would be implicitly anti-Islamic.

“It’s a democratic vote.” McCallum said. “But let’s face it, why would the population of, say, Manitoba opt for a 7th Century Sharia Horse brimming with disobedient daughter slaying, book burning and public beheadings, when they could opt some nice friendly Filipinos or Mexicans instead? Are those people racists for making such a clear & obviously sane decision? This is Canada, and the customer is nearly always right! Maybe they don’t buy because they don’t like the product on offer, and so countries and cultures will need to clean up their act… Under the current system we choose the fruit for the customer and tell them to like it. This way the public gets to choose. Don’t like bananas? Fine, have an apple.”

The programme is scheduled to begin next spring.

Vision Vancouver political pin up and Mayor Carcetti look-a-like, Gregor Robertson has teamed up with zeitgeist alchemist, Douglas Coupland to come up with a scheme to improve the cellphone and wifi coverage in Greater Vancouver.

The initiative involves placing mini signal transmitters within posts on the street, enabling users to move from system to system seamlessly throughout the city in an attempt to move Vancouver up onto the same level of connectivity that the most advanced European cities currently enjoy.

However the proposed scheme follows a recent study which suggests that the demise of bee colonies (Colony Collapse Disorder) could be due in large part to the increased use of mobile and wireless frequencies, which are believed to confuse the beeʼs navigation system very much in the same way that advanced naval sonar fucks with whales. And although it is accepted that a combination of factors are being held responsible for the staggering decline in numbers, it must surely pose a dilemma for the mayor, green activist and avid amateur beekeeper, Robertson 36-24-38.

Alarmingly most adults in Canada continue in failing to differentiate between a bee and a wasp, calling anything that looks a bit like a bee, a bee. And when stung by such an insect will exclaim: ‘Uurgh, Iʼve been bitten by a bee!’ When in reality they have just been stung by a wasp. And whilst there are initiatives, both federal and local, to create bee friendly environments in cities and raise awareness of their plight in the face of diminishing populations, we couldnʼt help but notice that it might be best to begin by teaching people the fundamental differences between a bee and a fucking wasp.

We started by asking Mayor Robertson whether he thought there was a conflict of interest in these two projects, “No, definitely not”. Robertson affirmed that the bees are his friend, having sponsored a number of colonies in the Fraser Valley that had previously been forced to work for Hellʼs Angel gangs in return for small amounts of sugary water. And was absolutely adamant that he has no intention of driving a six lane highway through a bee colony, even if he did discover that they hadnʼt voted for him.

Some would consider this whole situation rather ironic, for it was whilst Gregor Robertson was farming in New Zealand that he claims he first heard the voice of bees telling him to return to Vancouver and get involved in politics. We put it to him that heʼd merely taken the story of Dick Whittington and put bees in it, which he strongly refuted.

“No” he said, “I was walking out of town with all my possessions tied up in a small cotton hankie and stuck on the end of a stick, when I was confronted by a swarm of bees that blocked my path and distinctly heard them say, ‘Turn again pretty boy, you will be mayor of Vancouver’.What could I do? When 350 bees talk to you and all say the same thing, you canʼt argue with that, thatʼd be like fuckinʼ with nature, an’ nature be real an’ shit dude.”

Whether they really were bees, or just wasps pissing about and pretending to be bees, weʼll never know, as he was never bitten in the story he told us.

Douglas Coupland was unavailable for comment. Or to be more precisely, his wife told us to “Piss off!” and said that if we damaged his hog, sheʼd set the Alpacas on us.

Speculation is mounting that Justin Trudeau may never have been fully weaned off the mother’s milk, after comments make by Sophie Gregoire-Trudeau that she breastfeeds her 2-year old led some in Ottawa to question whether she is also still breastfeeding her husband.

It had been rumoured that Margaret Trudeau kept the young Justin on the breast until well into his early 20’s, at which point Sophie took over duties.

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News of this has seen an explosion of young women on social media offering to breastfeed the new Prime Minister.

Whether this is for sexual reasons (the same reason they voted for him), or that they are concerned that a sudden lack of milk might lead to more rash decisions, like the selling off all of Canada’s gold, or promising to settle 25,000 Syrians in 6 weeks, we can only speculate at this stage.