In the light of recent security concerns regarding the arrival of large numbers of Syrians, and the revelation that most of the 25,000 who recently arrived in Canada were not actually from refugee camps as claimed by the Prime minister’s office, but consisted mainly of Syrians already living in Turkey with jobs & apartments etc.,  Minister for Citizenship & Immigration, John McCallum announced this week that Canada was working on a dramatic overhaul in its current immigration program, which would seek to draw immigrants from cultures with good international reputations whilst restricting the entry of others.

The new system, he claimed, would also make the selection process much more democratic, giving the public a direct say on who comes into the country.

Under the controversial hip new Liberal plans, each province will have to announce their immigration quota for the following year, that quota is then put to a series of live public votes on CBC at primetime on Saturday evenings at 8pm (9pm in Newfoundland). Viewers will be given the opportunity to split their vote between 5 recipient nations or groups within those nations, in what is being described by some as Reality Immigration.

“It will be like a cultural popularity contest.” McCallum said. “Everyone accepts that Immigration is required to fill the gaps left by an aging population. Western first world secular societies do not produce enough children to service and sustain their increasingly narcissistic godless societies. Immigration is a must for Canada; it’s the specifics of selection that we wish improve and involve the public in. We believe that if the public can get involved then it will make the process more democratic, and make the new Liberal government look even more cool & trendy.”

Leader of the opposition, Rona Ambrose has already slammed the proposed changes as an immature popularity contest – a “Pop idol immigration policy.”

Needless to say, religion and cultural are set to play a huge part, and Mr McCallum admitted that the new policy approach may possess the added bonus of tackling some of the potentially problematic cultural characteristics which tend to come with new arrivals to Canada.

“Let’s say that you are living in the tribal lands of north west Pakistan and you are thinking about beheading a teacher who has been teaching girls to read and write. Well, you might think twice about it if you thought that it might harm your children’s chances of making a new life in Mississauga… Or let’s say your wife left you and you want to punish her by throwing acid in her face… again, you might deicide not to do it if you know that it might affect your application for Canadian permanent residence at some later date. Not only that, but the people of Canada will have a democratic say in who comes into the country, plus it will improve CBC’s Saturday evening programming, finally providing viewers with something that they actually want to watch. It really is a win, win, win situation for everyone.”

As McCallum suggested, the big losers in this new policy shift are predicted to be traditional Islamic cultures and anywhere else there’s a propensity is to be a bit of a bad cunt when no one is is looking. We put this to him that making immigration a popularity contest would be implicitly anti-Islamic.

“It’s a democratic vote.” McCallum said. “But let’s face it, why would the population of, say, Manitoba opt for a 7th Century Sharia Horse brimming with disobedient daughter slaying, book burning and public beheadings, when they could opt some nice friendly Filipinos or Mexicans instead? Are those people racists for making such a clear & obviously sane decision? This is Canada, and the customer is nearly always right! Maybe they don’t buy because they don’t like the product on offer, and so countries and cultures will need to clean up their act… Under the current system we choose the fruit for the customer and tell them to like it. This way the public gets to choose. Don’t like bananas? Fine, have an apple.”

The programme is scheduled to begin next spring.