Category: Satire
… livers & brains. #Plannedparenthood
Nicola Goes A Courting
After her husband decided to leave his secure job to pursue a dream, Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon arrives in Brussels looking for a new husband to support her lavish spending habits. Read More
Top of her list is a a generous E.U. Commissioner with deep pockets to cover her 15 billion pound credit card bill. Read More
After the Brexit vote, Nicola dusted off her best frock and headed straight for Brussels, trying to mask the scent of desperation with plenty of perfume and a plunging neckline.
Brussels is currently awash with wealthy E.U. commissioners and presidents looking for somewhere to park 90,000 migrants a year, and a lady in financial need will be a tempting proposition.
Brexit: The Progressive Logic of Pooh
“How did you vote?” Asked Pooh.
“I voted Leave” said Piglet.
“You’re a racist and a xenophobe” said Pooh.
“Why do you say that?” Asked Piglet.
“Because only small minded xenophobes and racists voted Leave.” Said Pooh.
“Labelling people and slur slinging is what progressive wood animals do instead of arguments.” Said Piglet.
“That sounds like racist talk to me.” Said Pooh. “Didn’t you vote Leave because you don’t like Heffalumps?”
“No, I only have a problem with the Heffalumps who want to blow up the woods. I did it because I want to be able to remove the animals in charge of the woods if they do things I don’t like, that’s what the wood was built on.” Replied Piglet.
“Being able to remove the animals in charge is over-rated Piglet. It’s much better to permanently hand control of the woods over to an elite with a vision of the ideal wood.” Said Pooh.
“Where did you hear that?” Asked Piglet.
“George Soros told me in the Guardian.” Replied Pooh.
“I think that’s called a politburo.” Said Piglet.
“A what?” Asked Pooh.
“A dictatorship” Replied Piglet. “I seem to remember reading a book set in a farmyard about that… Hang on a minute Pooh, weren’t you the one arguing against Globalization of the woods 10 years ago? Why are you all for a Superwood now?”
“Being part of the Superwood means that we can swap thing with other woods and we can go on holiday. All the young animals think it’s a great idea.” Said Pooh
“Young animals are not known for great ideas Pooh, they like shiny things that move quickly and flash on and off.” Said Piglet. “Anyway, the Superwood is in trouble Pooh. It’s all a mess. Some woods collect lots of twigs and others don’t. Christopher Robin has been studying woods at school, and he thinks that the Superwood is just one big storm away from all the trees falling down. I think it’s best if we leave before the big storm, and look after our wood. And then we can swap bundles of twigs and branches with who we like.”
“Only a fascist would think like that.” Said Pooh.
“You’re probably right Pooh.” Said Piglet. “But we’re still friends right? Wanna go for a beer?”
“Fuck off Piglet, I don’t drink with racist scum!” Said Pooh.
Islam 101 For Obama
We are going to keep this really simple, as we appreciate that Barry is having severe problems understanding the threat radical Islam poses. Thanks to Sesame Street.
One Foot In The Grave
It has been reported that Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn fell asleep watching tv a week over a ago and only awoke Friday morning to discover that Britons had voted to leave the European Union.
Corbyn had been expected to lead the Remain campaign in the lead up to Thursday’s vote, but couldn’t be bothered due to only being 75% committed himself to continued E.U. membership, and fell asleep whilst watching Escape to the Country. Read More
Staff didn’t notice him missing until the day of the referendum, and the first attempts to contact him failed, as his pay-as-go phone hadn’t been topped up by his son during his weekly visit to drop off itchy blankets.
The Labour leader is being held responsible for the victory of the Leave campaign after not turning up and engaging with abandoned Labour voters in the biggest decision British voters have made in the last 40 years.
Will be the Deep State candidate for 2016.
Trudeaumania: List Under Satire
Can someone please call The Guardian a taxi, they’ve had too much to drink.
Imagine a West Wing episode come to life, and that’s basically Justin Trudeau. The winsome Canadian prime minister blew up the internet again this week via an old photo of him larking about for the cameras, balancing his entire weight on his wrists on the edge of a desk in trademark manly-but-sensitive fashion. One more for a photo album that so far includes Trudeau cuddling pandas, Trudeau proudly proclaiming himself a feminist, Trudeau wearing a Barbie-pink sweatshirt in solidarity with kids bullied for looking different – and of course a newly elected Trudeau last autumn answering questions about why half his new cabinet was female, with the words “because it’s 2015”, and a shrug that clearly meant “so deal with it.”
Who else is still pulling off the whole hopey-changey thing, still surfing a wave of sunny progressive feeling when the US and much of Europe are increasingly convulsed with rage against either poor migrants or privileged elites, or both? While Britons contemplate a supposedly “kinder, gentler politics” of the left that turns out to come garnished with vicious personal attacks and repulsively antisemitic undercurrents, lucky old Canada gets a photogenic ex-snowboarding instructor calmly explaining why it’s not so mad to run a deficit.
Just little bit more? Go on then…
From the outside at least, Canada seems to be pulling off the elusive trick of remaining tolerant, relaxed and at ease with itself in challenging circumstances with more aplomb than most. You’d think all progressives would be hammering on the door to find out how they do it. But while any leftish policy wonk can give you chapter and verse on Scandinavia, few have made a life’s work of studying Canada, even though its quietly self-effacing culture seems in some ways a more realistic vision of what a future progressive Britain could be.
The Myth of Integration
The Ofsted chief inspector of schools in Britain, Sir Michael Wilshaw has warned that thousands of children are in danger of being radicalised as they remain hidden from authorities in unregistered schools across Britain.
Hold on a minute. Are you telling us that in modern Britain there are unregistered schools that do not meet national standards or inspection? Apparently.
Where are these schools?
Last month, inspectors issued seven warning notices to suspected illegal schools in London, Birmingham, Luton, Wolverhampton and Stoke-on-Trent, where they found around 350 children on the premises…
Inspectors have identified 100 suspected unregistered schools across the country since a team was set up in January to investigate the problem.
January? They’ve only been looking since January and already they’ve discovered 100 unregistered schools; that’s 20-25 per month!
The article in the Telegraph does not mention if any group in particular is responsible for dragging parts of modern Britain into the tribal lands of Pakistan, but obviously if ‘radicalisation’ is a major concern, and the list includes London, Birmingham, Luton & Wolverhampton, you have to be ideologically impaired not to work it out.
Needless to say, this is a small price to pay for living the progressive dream of Multiculturalism. The fact that a minority with a significant & violent extremist element are operating an educational system outside of the national curriculum or scrutiny, should only be of issue to racists.
Everyone else should just relax. This has never gone wrong in the past.
Ivan Penaluna
Finally, London Gets the Mayor It Deserves
There is a saying attributed to Robert Kennedy, that goes: ‘Every society get the criminals it deserves.’ Equally... it goes on, ‘every community gets the kind of law enforcement it insists on.’ Somewhere between these two points lies the election of Sadiq Khan as Mayor of London last week.
Sadie Khan is the first Muslim mayor of London, which in isolation should be no big deal. The issue comes when you apply this fact to the broader picture of what is happening in Europe, and when of course, people learn that Khan has shared the stage with Islamic extremists.
Again, this should not be really be a controversial revelation. Every Muslim public figure in Britain probably knows a number of Islamic extremists with whom they are on first name terms – that’s the nature of the beast. He probably bumps into extremists on a daily basis; waves to Islamists from across the street both knowingly and unknowingly. To him, these are regular Muslims. Not your ‘Uncle Tom’ secular Muslims as he describes – the ones who contemptuously put the law of the land before the Mohammed’s teachings of conquest and subjugation.
Khan’s rap sheet is pretty damning. Here is just a snap shot:
In 2004, Khan was the chief legal advisor to the Muslim Council of Britain, a group linked to the Muslim Brotherhood. Khan defended Yusuf al-Qaradawi, an Egyptian-born Islamist who has been banned from entering the UK. Al-Qaradawi has expressed support for Hamas suicide bombings against Israel: “It’s not suicide, it is martyrdom in the name of Allah.” According to Khan, however, “Quotes attributed to this man may or may not be true.”
Also in 2004, Khan shared a platform with a half-dozen Islamic extremists in London at a political meeting where women were told to use a separate entrance. One of the speakers was Azzam Tamimi, who has said he wants Israel destroyed and replaced with an Islamic state. Another speaker was Daud Abdullah, who has led boycotts of Holocaust Memorial Day. Yet another speaker was Ibrahim Hewitt, a Muslim hardliner who believes that adulterers should be “stoned to death.”
In 2006, Khan attended a mass rally in Trafalgar Square to protest the publication of cartoons of Mohammed by Western newspapers. One of those present at the rally was Tamimi, who told Sky News: “The publication of these cartoons will cause the world to tremble. Fire will be throughout the world if they don’t stop.” Khan defended Tamimi: “Speakers can get carried away but they are just flowery words.”
In 2008, Khan gave a speech at the Global Peace and Unity Conference, an event organized by the Islam Channel, which has been censured repeatedly by British media regulators for extremism. Members of the audience were filmed flying the black flag of jihad while Khan was speaking.
Also in 2008, Khan wrote that Turkey should be allowed to join the European Union in order to prove that the bloc is not a “Christian Club” that discriminates against Muslims. Full Rap Sheet
Bumbling tussle-haired Eurosceptic former Mayor, Boris Johnson never realistically or convincingly represented the capital and its values. The people of London seem quite comfortable with the creeping Balkanization of Europe, even going out of their way to promote such progressive policies, despite overwhelming evidence of their failure.
Finally, they are getting the mayor they deserve.
Aristotle's Bench Press 