Tag: #ElonMusk

The Rise & Fall of Gaston the Incredible: Part Six

A Trial of Two Turbans

Whilst the hunt for Barry Bollywood and his Bolshevik bandidas continued, plans for the trial of Gaston and the regime members already in custody continued.

In order to ensure ‘stakeholder engagement’ King Donny appointed a rapper called Car-Key who had lost his entire running shoe empire to the Reptile Club; he was considered such a deft exponent of pattern recognition and was so highly observant, that he noticed things that you weren’t even supposed to notice.

The charges against Gaston the Incredible and his regime were treason, embezzlement of government funds, and accessory to mass murder through the coercive enforcement of the Reptile Club injection program against the people of Peopleland.

Judge Car-Key made it clear that Gaston & his regime were in ‘very serious trouble y’all’, and because of the nature and severity of the charges, if convicted, that they were looking at the death penalty.

Tony Tesla’s 19yr old autistic intelligence officers were still having trouble tracking down Barry Bollywood and his army of Disney cast extremists in the densely enriched urban areas of Peopleland, until they came up with the idea of a Where’s Waldo app. It was a quite simple fix in the end: load in the faces of the Bollywood’s Diet Soviet Party into the app, then fly a drone over Brampton or Surrey picking them all out one by one.

By the end of the month Tony Tesla had captured almost every Diet-Soviet Party operative at large.

At trial, they made for a rich spectacle all packed into their respective caged section of the court – a blinged out Barry Bollywood in a saffron turban wearing a $45,000 watch made from the crystalized tears of poor children, surrounded by his army of diminutive Bolshevik harlots in one cage; and the equally rich visual feast of Gaston the Incredible in full regimental black face dressed as a pantomime Saladin complete with oversized bejewelled white turban, surrounded by his motley crew of career criminals pacing the cage like a pride of traumatized circus lions in the other.

The press gallery who turned up daily to cover proceedings never knew what they were going to get – each day Gaston would turn up in a different costume – one day he was Saladin; the next Superman; Thursday he’d turn up dressed like he was on his way to Gay Day, on Fridays he was D’Artagnon from the Three Musketeers, but always in full regimental Blackface.

Barry Bollywood and his party were charged as accessories to treason & embezzlement, with a specific charge of ‘stealing from the poor’. However, he had to have the charges repeated after thinking embezzlement was part of an expensive watch.

Bollywood repeatedly interrupted proceedings offering to cut a deal, but then failed to do so. The judge eventually got tired of this and threatened to take a Maserati from him every time he interrupted, whilst his raft of diet-Soviet medusas hissed ‘white supremacy’ through the bars

During the trial it was revealed that Gaston had owned the company that provided the bottles and labels for the bad medicine he forced everyone to take. He claimed that he never forced anyone to take the medicine and that everyone did so by choice, but a conveyor belt of video evidence was shown to the jury featuring Gaston applying all the power his government could generate to force people into taking the Reptile Club injection.

Gaston then claimed that the bad medicine was given to him by an old man who might have worked for the Nazis, and that he only provided the lipid nanoparticle technology to impress senior members of the Reptile Club. Then he blamed it all on his Minister for Supreme Goodness – who’s grandfather had accidentally also been a Nazi, and then his Supreme Justice minister, who accidentally applauded a Nazi at the palace.

The repeated connection to Nazis didn’t help.

On the final day of the trial, Gaston turned up for sentencing dressed as an Apache Chief complete with headdress and full faced regimental blackface.

The jury retired and returned just 20 minutes later with their verdict, which was then read out by the foreman to the court. On the charge of treason how do you find? ‘Guilty’. On the charge of embezzlement of public funds how do you find? ‘Guilty’. On the charge of accessory to mass murder how do you find? ‘Guilty’.

Upon the news Gaston threw himself to the floor and pleaded with the court for mercy, citing his many years of charitable work in the circus. He also claimed that he’d been blackmailed into doing everything he had done after being lured to a tropical island to meet some 14 yr olds.

In his deliberation, Car-Key described Gaston and his regime as one of the most egregious of all Globalist tyrannies of the pre collapse era, and that Gaston’s profiteering left him in no doubt as to his criminal involvement in the mass murder and maiming of millions of citizens; and because of the scale of this crime, he was left with no alternative than to apply the severest punishment available.

Judge Car-Key laid upon his wig the black cloth before sentencing Gaston and his entire regime to death with the words: ‘I hereby sentence you to death Y’all’

Gaston was taken down with the rest of his former cabinet; his blackface make-up running onto his bead tunic and moccasins. The only thing that remained – a  native headdress lying forlornly on the dock floor in a puddle of Blackface juice – a  mixture of tyrant’s tears and boot polish.

After being found guilty as accessories to treason, embezzlement and ‘stealing from the poor’, Barry Bollywood and his diet-Soviet raft of Medusas were sentenced to Transportation to a colony.

In the 17th Century when the sentence was introduced, this would have meant exile to one of the new colonies like Australia or Jamaica, but seeing as Tony Tesla was now running regular flights to Mars, the sentence was that they should be chained to a rocket bound for the Red Planet.

In the period post sentencing, as Gaston and his regime awaited their fate, intense speculation began to circulate as to the nature of his execution and whether the public would continue to be consulted.

Unlike the run up to the execution of Charles I of England in 1649, during which Parliamentary forces could not find anyone who was willing to execute a King of England, and had to resort to scouring the taverns of the South Bank for a willing drunk the night before, there was no such problem finding a citizen of the new national republic willing to carry out the sentence on Gaston the Incredible.

The court received literally tens of thousands of letters, some written by children in crayon, whose parents or grandparents had been killed or injured by the Reptile Club injection, or who they themselves had been maimed, pleading that they be chosen to execute Gaston; some were willing to do it with their bare hands, others had elaborate plans prepared. 

King Donny had already decided on the method – death by firing squad. Tony Tesla proposed importing a 30mm Soviet anti-aircraft gun from North Korea for the occasion and doing them all in one go as an act of government efficiency. He also suggested that the bullets should be made by melting down the bronze statue of Gaston and the drag queens on Gay Day, but this was deemed too poetically rich for the simple folk of Peopleland, and a regime restricted five round capacity rifle was opted for instead.

Gaston had banned all firearms except the bolt-action 22LR, which was considered inadequate for resistance to his rule, and so it seemed more than fitting that this should be chosen as the execution weapon.

Such was the intensity of interest in being part of the justice process, that authorities decided to hold a lottery to decide who would get to carry out the order of the court. Millions of tickets were sold in the first week alone, as the old and the young alike emptied their penny jars and scraped together what they could in order to have the best chance of being the one who put the full stop at the end of Gaston’s story.

The lottery was held the following Saturday and televised live across the nation – streets lay empty & children stopped playing as the people of Peopleland held their breath.

The Rise & Fall of Gaston the Incredible: Part Four

A War in Pantoland

After the election Gaston and Barry Bollywood took their bromance to the next level. They went everywhere and did everything together. Gaston still hadn’t delivered the free toothbrushes he had promised, but Bollywood was sure he’d just forgotten.

During the bad medicine years Gaston had printed hundreds of billions of dollars to fund various ideological indulgences, and Barry Bollywood’s Diet Soviet Party had rubber stamped all of them in return for being allowed to pretend that he was also emperor.

Gaston had awarded his friends the contract to manufacture the lollipops given to children after their government injections. The original cost for this project was estimated at $230 million, but after a year the cost had ballooned to $1.7 billion, and they still hadn’t decided on any flavours. It was the same story repeated across every Royal government department, and the amount of money being spent by the emperor was now larger than anything the people of Peopleland had ever seen before.

Gaston and his Laurentian nobility were getting very rich. However, all of this money printing had caused a strange new phenomenon that neither Gaston nor Barry Bollywood had ever encountered before, called ‘Inflation’. The price of everything had started rising and neither of them could explain why.

Some elder advisors tried to explain that expanding the money supply had led to this thing called Inflation, but Gaston would hear none of it. He argued that because the things he did with the money were good, nothing bad could happen and so he had them thrown in jail as heretics.

However, the higher food prices rose, the louder the people complained; and the worse the suffering got, the more it looked like there was something wrong with Gaston’s magic. 

Gaston & Bollywood decided to take a tour of the country together to see what all the fuss was about. They rode on horseback through every town & village in the land accompanied by a caravan of circus performers to reassure the people of Gaston’s goodness.

The Official Circus Caravan for the 2023 Imperial National Tour

Gaston’s horse wasn’t actually a real horse, but a pantomime horse called Sophie played by two people who identified as horses. In Gaston’s new inclusively diverse Trans-Islamic Republic of Peopleland this was the same as a real horse, and saying otherwise would land you in prison with the people who believed in inflation.

Bollywood rode a golden horse called Rolex, which he was very proud of. It wasn’t really a golden horse; it was a pony that had been spray painted gold, but no one dared say anything. Royal state media pretended that both horses were real, and even suggested that both should be made Senators in the upcoming reshuffle.  

Every village they entered the people would emerge from their homes to hurl rotten vegetables and shout obscenities at Gaston & Bollywood. After one particularly awful reception, Bollywood announced that he had an idea.

 ‘I know’ He said… ‘Let’s blame the rising prices on the merchants in the market who sell the food. We can tell the people that it is their greed that is causing prices to rise.’ ‘Awesome idea!’ declared Gaston.

So with the help of the Royal state media, they declared that the rising costs were the fault of greedy merchants, not government spending at all. They hauled the merchants into the main square and held a humiliating public trial during which they were asked to explain why prices had risen. Of course, it was Gaston & Barry Bollywood who were robbing the people through money printing, but for some reason the majority of people were not able to understand this.

Meanwhile their neighbours to the south – the ones they’d chastised when they had elected Gaston as Emperor, had crowned a new king: King Donny the Tremendous.

King Donny had been king before, but had been exiled by the evil nobility of his country after a coup backed by the Reptile Club. Now, with the support of the people, he was back and he meant business.

Unlike Gaston, King Donny was no slight-of-hand magician borrowing from tomorrow to create illusions today – he could do real magic. He could create wealth just by breathing on markets; stop wars by simply talking, and bring down foreign governments just by staring at them. It also was rumoured that King Donny’s urine was 84% Ivermectine, and had been used to cure Trans kids.

The nobility who made money from wars and misery had tried to kill him many times, but failed. In short, King Donny was a proper king who had been tested by fire, and he certainly had no time for Gaston’s fart lighting tricks or fake magic.

King Donny surrounded himself with warriors and innovators. His chief minister was a Marvel scientist called Tony Tesla who had invented everything from crazy string to interplanetary timeshares.

King Donny & Tony Tesla set about bringing the now unpopular and weak rule of Gaston to a humane end for the sake of the suffering people of Peopleland. King Donny dedicated seven minutes a day staring at Gaston’s Trans-Islamic Republic of Peopleland silently mouthing the words ‘51st State’, whilst Tony Tesla pulled back the media curtain on the madness and cruelty of Gaston’s hermit kingdom for all the world to see.

The world was shocked at the perverse failure Peopleland had become under Gaston’s ten year reign. Peopleland should have been a rich country, but it had been materially and socially collapsed for the sake of Gaston’s utopian ideals, and now everyone could see it. Peopleland was broken, but instead of trying to fix it, Gaston now offered state assisted suicide to anyone who was unhappy or poor.

Barry Bollywood and members of the Gaston regime began to sense that the supreme leader was becoming a liability. He was now hated so much both inside and outside the country, that being associated with him was harmful. They tried to suggest that Gaston had achieved so many wonderful things that it might be time for him to consider ending his reign, but Gaston would hear none of it – there was still much work to do; he still hadn’t managed to fully impoverish the people, and there were still political enemies to destroy.

In an act of self-preservation, Barry Bollywood declared that he would no longer support the Gaston as leader, but true to his cynical nature, when offered the opportunity to remove him as emperor, declined to do so.

Eventually it was left to Gaston’s Royal ministers to replace him with a new Emperor, but when informed of this decision, he refused to attend meetings with them and instead began hiding in various rooms of the palace in an attempt to evade both them and his fate. Finally, after four days of upstairs-downstairs Benny Hill capers, they found him in the Royal wardrobe hiding in the dressing up box covered in boot polish, and softly sobbing his childhood favourite, Al Jolson’s ‘Mammy.’