Tag: disney

The Rise & Fall of Gaston the Incredible: Part Three

The Bad Medicine Years

Early in the New Year it was announced that someone in China had accidentally spilt some CIA monkey juice on the floor of a bioweapons lab run by Dr Faustus. Royal state media reported that it had escaped and started to spread amongst the population.

This was the opportunity the Reptile Club and their young leaders had been waiting for – Gaston continued to allow in flights from China for another week, and then, once the infection had spread sufficiently to warrant an emergency response, he immediately closed the country down.

Unfortunately most people in Peopleland still trusted the government. They had grown up under the benevolent reign of Brian the Boring, and naively believed that the emperor still had their best interests at heart. They were unaware that the contract had been rewritten and that the Reptile Club was now in charge.

Gaston rushed to unite the people behind him by removing all of their rights in the name of safety. The people were told that they were ‘All in this together’ and were encouraged by state media to bang pots at 7pm in support of medical staff busy making Tik-Tok videos.

His government introduced Leninist slogans such as ‘Doing the right thing’ & ‘Being there for one another’. They became rallying cries for Gaston and his ministers, who would recite these spells during public announcements; encouraging everyone to come together under the flag of safety through total obedience to Gaston. He declared Peopleland the safest country on earth, and that no faithful citizen would ever die of anything ever again if they simply ‘did the right thing’.

Anyone who opposed the measures, or questioned the authenticity of the threat was labeled an ‘Enemy of Goodness’, and Gaston openly questioned whether they should continue to ‘tolerate such people’.

By now, the people of Peopleland had become divided into two groups – the loyalists who were still hypnotized by Gaston’s policy magic and transfixed by the fear his Royal state media conjured up, and the rebels who now saw through his illusion, and feared for the future in what was now fast becoming a cruel and despotic reign.

After a winter of lockdowns and a conveyor belt of media manufactured fear, Gaston announced to the people that a new magic medicine was coming that would enable them to have their freedom back. He told the people all they had to do was get the government injection and they could ‘go back to normal’.

Anyone who asked what was in the injection was labeled a ‘Science Denier’, and accused of attempting to ‘kill Grandma’.

Gaston said that the injection contained only goodness and no badness. And although the people who made the injection had only ever tested it on animals – all of which had died by the way – and wouldn’t say what was in it, Gaston granted them Royal immunity from responsibility if anything went wrong. He declared the medicine ‘safe & effective’.

Gaston said that getting the medicine was a choice, but a week later declared that anyone who didn’t get it couldn’t ‘go back to normal’. He announced that anyone who did not volunteer to take the injection of unknown goodness would lose their jobs and not be able to travel. He even decreed that children who did not choose to get the injection would be cast out of society.

Gaston issued passes to those who decided to ‘do the right thing’. They were declared clean and could ‘go back to normal’, but those who still refused were branded unclean and outcasts.    

Some people were really enjoying this. The bad medicine years and Gaston’s public acts of cruelty brought out the worst in some of the citizens of the new and diversely inclusive Trans-Islamic Republic of Peopleland. Those who were firmly latched onto the teet of Royal state media behaved the worst. This section of society started to become fanatically obsessed with safety and compliance, to the point where they viewed non-compliance to be a crime worthy of imprisonment and even death.

‘Why should we tolerate those who refuse ‘to do the right thing’’? ‘Let them die!’ They shouted from the comment sections of Royal state media, which also dutifully deleted any comments that questioned the medicine mandates.

On one occasion, Gaston boasted to his ministers that his loyal followers would be willing throw unvaccinated children into ovens if the Royal state media told them to do it. Such people lined up to get their children the injections completely unaware that this was a Reptile Club initiative.

At the same time, the people who had started to see through Gaston’s grand illusion began to organize and protest against the medicine mandates. Gaston started to sense that time was running out. So despite everything being closed down, Gaston decided that this would be the best time to call a snap election in the hope of gaining a majority; then he could commit some real tyranny on those who opposed goodness.

In the election, Gaston narrowly secured another even smaller minority government. He hated the idea that the people would say no to him. He extended his medicine mandates to include people who delivered food for a living – Uber Munch, Delivery-O & Skip the Liberty, and declared that their drivers would need to get the medicine if they wanted to feed the people trapped at home.

This time the people had had enough. They had become completely reliant on home delivery during the lockdowns, and had forgotten how to feed themselves. They organized and gathered together under Gaston’s Imperial balcony and booed him when he appeared that Sunday to address the nation. Gaston declared them all ‘Racists’ & ‘White Supremacists’ and vowed that he would take everything away from them.

The next morning he told the Police of Infinite Justice and Goodness to create a threat that would allow Gaston to impose martial law. Then he got Royal state media to declare that there were people who wanted to hurt his government and that he would need to use special powers to deal with them. These powers were usually saved for war, but as far as Gaston was concerned this was WAR.

The Police of Infinite Justice and Goodness took four men from one of the protests and accused them of being revolutionaries. Gaston threw them in jail and declared martial law. He also announced that anyone who dared to protest against him would be crushed by his Royal cavalry.

After weeks of protest in the main square under the very balcony that Gaston waved from each Sunday, thousands of protesters, including many elderly and children, stood peacefully in the snow reciting prayers as Gaston’s Infinite Justice and Goodness moved in and began beating them to the ground with clubs and trampling them under horses. The fresh blood of the good people of Peopleland decorated the snow as his police officers took to social media to boast of their brutality and how the overtime was paying for their swimming pools.

Gaston had finally become a real dictator, just like his real father. Now he had supreme power and the people were terrified. He sat back to savour this moment… He loved the feeling of crushing the people and could now see why his real father had enjoyed it so much.

Gaston vowed to destroy all those who dared stand against him. He announced that his government would seize all their property, including their children, and freeze the bank accounts of all those involved. His deputy minister – the one whose grandfather had accidentally been a Nazi – announced that anyone who donated more than $25 to the protests would also be cut off from their money, rendering them unable to support or feed themselves or their family.

However, Gaston did not consider the effects his actions might have on Peopleland, or that international investors might become nervous and start pulling their money out of the Trans-Islamic Republic of Peopleland, concerned that it might also be confiscation by the Gaston regime.

Gaston didn’t know it yet, but he had just overstepped the mark. In just five days the Royal Bank of Peopleland lost $8 billion as nervous international investors did exactly that, whilst the people of Peopleland also started pulling their money out of the banks in protest.

The Reptile Club who ran the banks immediately called Gaston and instructed him to cancel martial law, concerned that the bank run in Peopleland could spread to other Reptile Club nations and cause their entire financial empire to collapse.

The next day, Gaston was forced by his reptilian overlords to cancel martial law and reassure everyone that their money was safe in Peopleland. This put an end to the financial losses, but in brutally suppressing the protests against him, Gaston had revealed himself as a petulant and vengeful boy king who was willing to destroy anyone who dared to say ‘No’.

The Rise & Fall of Gaston the Incredible: Part One

The People of Peopleland

For generations the people of Peopleland had been happy in their beautiful country. It was a peaceful country – crime was low, the standard of living was high, and they had everything they needed – lots of water, land and resources.

The people of Peopleland were sensible, very sensible and a little bit boring. They liked to keep themselves to themselves, but would be the first to help others if they were in need. Peopleland was a good country, everyone liked them and their societal model was the envy of every other nation.

The problem was that people of Peopleland had a deep-seated insecurity about their identity; they worried a lot about what other people thought of them. Their international reputation was the most important thing to them; they guarded it night and day and celebrated it at every opportunity, but this insecurity was about to get them into a lot of trouble.

They were ruled over by a grey man called Brian, ‘Brian the Boring’ as he was known, who came from a long line of leaders, all called Brian and all very boring. Brian was as sensible and boring as his name suggests – he had weepy eyes, grey Playmobile hair and dressed like a suburban realtor, but he was sensible with money and made sure Peopleland remained safe and stable.  

During the reign of Brian, the people came to believe that their society was so safe and stable that practically anyone could run it. They were also bored of being safe and grey; they wanted some excitement. They wanted a leader who reflected who they would like to be, not who their parents were.

The new leader of the opposition party was called Gaston Dubois – or ‘Gaston the Incredible’ as he was to become known; a good looking young man who spoke in a magical language and of new ideas like ‘inclusion’ and ‘diversity’. Plus he could also do cool tricks like walk on his hands and juggle jelly.

Gaston promised to make Peopleland better than good, he promised to make it awesome. He told the people that ‘diversity was strength’ and that under his rule it would become even more valuable than gold.

And so at the next election, in an attempt to make their country even better than good, the people decided to cast off their safe boring leader who could do maths, for someone who reflected their desire to be exciting and edgy.

Some voted for Gaston because he could do cool tricks, others because he was handsome and believed that having a good-looking young leader would improve their international reputation – it was mainly the women and gays who did this.

“Gaston is our leader!” they would shout over the fence at their neighbours to the south, which made them feel superior and gave them a warm glow inside. They had a leader that was young and handsome, and full of modern ideas – what more could a people want from a leader?  

Yet, despite his father, Pierre the Bastard also being leader, Gaston was not really qualified for the position and responsibilities that came with ruling a nation. Instead of studying economics at university and running his own business, Gaston had been to clown school in Montreal where he had taught kids how to light farts. Then upon graduating he was recruited by the Reptile Club based out of Davos, Switzerland to be part of their international travelling circus, Globo-Gimps.

In the early days of Gaston’s reign, the world media marvelled at this new brand of leader who looked and smelt good. He really did represent a new breed of leaders for a social media era – one based almost entirely on the dermis of a manicured image.

Gaston entertained the older more experienced world leaders at important summits with tricks he had picked up in circus school. He  challenged the elderly leader of Germany to a press-up competition, and the Communist Party Chairman of China to a game of ping pong.

At home the people loved it! The royal state press in Peopleland fawned over his every antic. State media loved Gaston and he loved them back – the more money he gave them, the more nice things they wrote and said about him.

‘Has there ever been a greater leader?’ they opined as they penned endorsement after endorsement at the awesomeness of not just Gaston, but the moral superiority of Peopleland over other less advanced nations who were still trapped in outdated ideas such as family, gender and God.

‘We are truly the greatest people who have ever lived’ they scribbled daily as Gaston increased their funding yet further.

Eventually, even Gaston started to believe all the great things he paid the royal media to say about him.

‘Am I beautiful?’ He would ask them, to which they would reply ‘Sire, a beauty more beguiling dare not exist… for you are the emperor of all goodness, and beauty lays a carpet of petals before you.’

If there was one thing that Gaston liked above all else it was to dress up. He loved to dress up so much, that when he visited a foreign country they would have to hide the dressing up box. ‘Bring me the dressing up box’ he would demand. ‘Is this your national dress?’

Then he would ‘bless’ & ‘honour’ his hosts by dressing up and dancing around in their national costume for his royal media back home. 

One of Gaston’s new ideas around this time was to replace People Day – the day when people came together to celebrate Peopleland – with Gay Day. He declared People Day ‘racist’ and Gay Day awesome.

He attended the first official Gay Day in the capital dressed in a tight fitting pink linen shirt, but got so carried away with all the excitement that he let go of the stroller carrying his children as he rushed to embrace a clutch of drag queens.

This act of letting go of his own children in order to embrace glorious degeneracy became such an iconic image of Gaston’s reign that he had a statue of the event built in the central square where the childless went to walk their dogs.

It also heralded the start of Gaston’s ‘Divine Ministry’ years, during which Gaston performed many secular miracles which defied all reason – he turned boys into girls, and girls into boys; he declared the religion of perpetual violence to be the religion of peace, and announced that Peopleland could spend as much money as they wanted to because… ‘the budget would balance itself.’

As time went on the miracles of public policy got more elaborate, complex and dangerous. He announced that the religion of perpetual violence and people who did not know if they were a boy or a girl would live harmoniously side by side in the utopia he was building – that they would tolerate and respect each other despite them being completely incompatible because they respected and loved him.

Gaston changed the word ‘mankind’ to ‘peoplekind’, and renamed Peopleland:

‘The Democratic Trans-Islamic Republic of Peopleland.’

The people marvelled at Gaston’s ability to perform such impossibilities. Not only was he an awesome leader, but he was also a magician who could cast spells that created alternate realities that existed outside of natural law, reason or precedent. These were the glory years – the peak of Gaston’s popularity and power. From here on in, the road that Gaston and his people would travel would become more congested.